We need to talk…about depression

Talking about depression can often be a difficult undertaking, and there are many reasons for this.

The reasons

Firstly, depression is complex, and although there are standard hallmarks of depression, each person’s experience is unique. Secondly, there is the issue of stigma and lack of awareness. Although we have made some tremendous strides in rectifying this as a society, stigmatisation around mental health is still an unfortunate reality. We often don’t know how to respond when people talk about their experience with depression, which is not (always) due to a lack of care or good intentions.

One of the most vital contributing factors to this phenomenon, and ironically one of the most forgotten, is that the very interactional style associated with depression makes it so that it is not often spoken about.

What does this mean?

Suppose you consider depression from an interactional perspective. When observing the interactional style present in those suffering from depression, not just its symptoms, you will pick up on a strong self-isolating style. This interactional style is characterised by significant emotional distance in relationships, ineffective expression of needs, and weak intrapersonal control. It is understandable then if we consider the interactional style associated with depression as strongly self-isolating that those suffering from it are unlikely to come out of that isolation long enough to talk about anything, let alone their vulnerable, uncomfortable experiences. Therefore, we can see that the very nature of depression makes it difficult to talk about one’s depression.

Let’s unpack this self-isolating style a little further:

Self-isolation occurs when we do not allow any feedback from the environment to assist us in confirming our reality. We give those in our environment no opportunity to either agree or disagree with the views we hold about ourselves and the opinions we have about our world. In doing so, the individual becomes a closed circuit, and whatever they think about themselves and their world will be the truth (regardless of whether or not this view is accurate).

For example, someone may feel that they are worthless and add no value to this world. Due to the self-isolation and the reluctance to accept and hold feedback, what they think (i.e., that they are worthless) will become their reality, regardless of whether or not this is true. Remember, self-isolation here is referring to emotional self-isolation and not physical self-isolation. Even when surrounded by a sea full of people and activities, one can still be emotionally self-isolated.

Naturally, when we become an isolated island, there is a great deal of emotional distance in our relationships. When there is distance, it isn’t easy to feel safe enough to make oneself visible and express our needs. This lack of visibility occurs in our relationships with others and ourselves. We become dissociated from ourselves and our needs, living in a strange existence of being here in the world while not being truly seen by it. What results is dissociation from one’s own experiences and an internal shut down or freeze, leaving us not only unaware of what we need but even unaware of what exactly we are feeling.

In this space, we often find people living below the baseline level of functioning and experiencing discomfort and overall dissatisfaction without even knowing that this isn’t optimal. It is as though their memo and expectations for the effective control of the most basic kind (i.e., having enough energy for the day, being able to fall asleep easily and wake up easily, a healthy and balanced appetite, etc.) is thrown out and forgotten. Here we can see that not only are people with depression unlikely to speak out about their experiences because they are isolated, but they are also so dissociated from themselves that they don’t even know that they have anything to add to the conversation.

Getting help

A quick and easy first step towards identifying whether you could be suffering from depression would be to complete a free online depression screening test (this does not serve as a diagnosis but can be an indication as to whether you should seek further help).

It is crucial when a person receives treatment or assistance (this doesn’t have to be traditional treatment); they have to recognise that their current experience is no longer working. They desire change in their interaction with their environment, others, and themselves. In the wake of COVID and lockdown, where physical isolation was forced upon us and subsequently a level of emotional isolation as well, I suspect that there would be many people struggling in the way that I’ve described above.

Now, more than ever, we need to use all the available resources to assist in creating self-awareness. Speaking to a professional on platforms such as Conrati can aid in this journey. Remember, no resource can replace a clinical diagnosis by a trained professional (no Dr. Google here, please). Using the tools at your disposal is invaluable in creating context and assisting in starting the processes of moving out of dissociation and into connection.

Let’s get talking so we can start healing.

Ashleigh Yaman is a Counselling Psychologist who is passionate about facilitating satisfaction and wellness in relationships, whether it be in relationships with others, or in one’s relationships with oneself. She provides individual therapy to children, adolescents and adults; couples therapy; family therapy and; parental guidance therapy.